


17 Years Over

by The_True_Child



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cursed!Daichi, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Slow Burn, Some angst, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 04:13:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 12,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10779333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_True_Child/pseuds/The_True_Child
Summary: Sawamura Daichi takes a lot of things for granted. Like love. Or how much time people have.When Sugawara gets into a horrible accident, he doesn't make it out in the end. And Daichi has to shoulder all of the blame. He lashes out on himself, unsure of whether he should be the one responsible...or if Suga was merely being selfish by leaving him behind.However, being driven to near suicide, making a huge mistake, and a dreadful curse may be just what Sawamura needs to stir up a second chance. Or a third. Or a fourth. Or an eighteenth.All it really took was one rip. One tear to make Daichi realize that playing the blame game isn't the way to get unstuck from the past.





	1. Polaroid

“Say cheese, Suga! Oh, c’mon, you can do better. Smile!”

 

**Click!**

 

Daichi held the newly formed polaroid between his forefinger and thumb, gently shaking it until the photo began to show. He turned it towards the still half-smiling Sugawara and flashed him a grin. Suga shook his head and laughed, a sweet and refreshing sound amidst the large amount of people around them. It was mid-June, so places like the park which were usually quiet became lively and full of people. No wonder why Suga preferred going to those places in the Springtime. Still, it was all the more bearable when Daichi was around him.

“Ah, Daichi...the picture came out a little fuzzy. Take it again?” Suga said in his usual soft tone, looking down. He honestly just wanted an excuse for Daichi to not have anymore “badly taken” pictures of him, but he was too shy to bring this up. When Suga looked down at the ground, Daichi smiled, a bit cocky.

“Nope,” Daichi said, calmly, “You look cute. So this one is fine, thanks.” He gently placed the photograph in his shirt pocket and brushed a tuft of hair away from Suga’s face, revealing his small birthmark. Suga’s cheeks flushed a faint shade of pink and he gently rustled up Daichi’s hair.

“Yeah, yeah...let’s just go, okay? Too many people this time of year.” A small chuckle resounded in his throat and he smiled once more. Daichi let out a sigh.

“Yeah, okay. You're right, as always,” Daichi grinned, taking Suga’s hand. “Was that enough of a birthday gift?”

“More than enough,” Suga replied, leaning on his shoulder as they began to leave the park. “It was perfect. Thanks for taking me out all day." Daichi leaned down the tiniest bit and planted a soft kiss on Suga’s forehead.

“Pleasure’s all mine, Suga,” Daichi whispered to him, making Suga’s face an even redder color than before. “Never leave my side, okay?”

Suga blinked. This seemed so out of the blue for Daichi. He was usually very calm and collected, but recently he began to act very affectionate. It wasn't bad or anything, it just seemed a little out of character.

“Do you promise me?” Daichi smiled again. Suga smiled back and nodded.

“Of course I do. I couldn't leave this dork behind to fend for himself. He'd never survive.” Suga began to laugh again, and Daichi grinned in response.

“Right again.”

Daichi and Suga walked together until they reached the end of the road, where they would part ways.

“See you at school tomorrow, Daichi?” Suga asked him. Daichi brushed his hand through Suga’s hair and pecked him softly on the lips before nodding.

“Mhm,” he muttered with a smirk. “See ya.” Suga smiled sweetly before turning and running towards the direction of his home, and Daichi’s feet stayed planted until his boyfriend was out of sight.

 

*********

Daichi, of course, was the first to turn up for practice.

 

Following him were Tanaka and Nishinoya, along with Asahi who stuck to his place behind them. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi showed up not too much later. Hinata and Kageyama, of course, were late.

Ukai had them all line up, and he began to glance between them and his clipboard. When he got to Yamaguchi at the end, he raised an eyebrow. “Eh? Where's Sugawara?”

Daichi looked around to see that he had been right. Suga wasn't there.

Takeda tugged lightly on Ukai’s shirt and led him over to the side. Everyone stood there, confused, for a solid five minutes before the two returned. Ukai looked...worried. Almost nervous.

“Uh...Sensei has informed me on some unfortunate news. However, it isn't concerning any of you, so you all can just go home.” Daichi was the most puzzled out of the bunch, but he was more worried than anything else.

“This’ll be good for you then, Tiredyama-kun,” Hinata teased, nudging Kageyama in the arm, who in turn gave him a look of disapproval.

“Shut up, dumbass.” Kageyama replied to him, smacking Hinata upside the head.

Daichi shook his head with his thumb and forefinger on his temples. “Hey, knock it off, you two. You heard the man. Let's go.”

Everyone followed Daichi out of the school until eventually, he was walking alone. The others didn't seem nearly as phased as he was by the fact that Suga didn't come to practice. Or school, for that matter. Was he the only one who worried for his safety? Probably. The others were too reckless to care anyways.

Daichi kept walking until he reached Sugawara's house. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

No answer.

He waited a few minutes before knocking again, but still, no one responded.

Daichi sighed and began to walk back, until he heard blaring sirens coming from around the corner. He rushed to see what was going on, but saw that it was only an ambulance. He brushed it off, seeing that an older man was being helped onto it. But still...things weren't quite right. Daichi decided he would come back tomorrow. That Suga was probably busy.

However, Daichi still found himself unable to sleep that night.

Something stirred in his system, and everything inside him screamed that something horrible was going on. But he just turned over and stared at the wall for the following six hours.


	2. Soap

Waking up in the middle of the night wasn't something Daichi commonly faced.

Being captain took going to bed at decent hours, and waking up the same. Daichi was responsible, so he could go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 6am, no problem. But 2am? That wasn't a time he was used to waking up to. He looked over at his clock and grunted, slowly sitting up. Daichi rubbed his eyes and stood to his feet.

“Maybe a quick shower…” he muttered under his breath, reaching over to his dresser for a towel and his school uniform. He stepped into the bathroom, removed his clothes, and turned on the shower overhead.

Daichi felt the hot water beat down on his neck and back. He let out a heavy sigh and rested his hands on the wall, moving his bodyweight forward. He knew, to an extent, why he was up so early. Suga hadn't contacted him in two whole days, not even a call or text. The worst part of it all was that everyone seemed to know what happened except for him. This thought, and utter realization, at that, left an aching pit in his stomach. He was usually the one to find out everything first. And he thought that he'd known everything about Suga. That his boyfriend trusted him enough to tell him everything. Was all of it a lie?

Daichi felt a burning sensation in his throat, but quickly choked it back down and started to rub soap into his hair. He pandered in deep thought a bit more before his eyes began to burn. “Ow, damn it...” Daichi cursed. The soap had dripped down into his eyes. He quickly grabbed a rag from nearby and gently rubbed the soap away from them. Daichi grunted once more, and stared at the wall.

Today would be the third day without Suga if he didn't turn up again.

Daichi was more worried than he had ever been, but he also couldn't wait to tell him off for leaving him so long. He couldn't decide whether he'd do that or just bear hug him on the spot. Probably both. He stood up straight and turned the water off, grabbing the towel he brought in with him and wrapping it around his waist. The whole bathroom was steamy and hot, making it slightly difficult to breathe or see. He opened the door to let the steam out, then turned towards the mirror and stared back at himself.

Daichi had never seen himself like this. He looked weak, almost frail. His eyes were red and puffy. And he had so many bags under his eyes…

He felt himself getting worked up all over again. The back of his throat ached and burned, his heart felt heavy. Like dead weight. He wanted to smack Suga and kiss him all at the same time. His lips... Daichi shook his head and rubbed his eyes again. There would be time for that later. After he found out what happened to him.

Daichi slid on his uniform and shoes, and was about to leave until he realized his mistake.

It was still only three in the morning.

 

*********

“Morning, Daichi-san,” Tanaka called out with a wide grin. “Geez, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.” Daichi forced a chuckle and patted Tanaka on the back.

“Yeah, yeah. Like you don't have those days, too.”

Tanaka laughed with a tinge of bitterness in his voice. “You'd know all about that, right? See ya in class.” With that, Tanaka left behind a very confused Daichi, who in turn began to look for signs of Suga. For the third time. However, just like the past few days, he found absolutely nothing. And everyone still being secretive didn't help, either. All of it drove Daichi insane.

At practice, it wasn't too different.

Tanaka, Asahi, Tsukishima...they all kept quiet. Even Hinata didn't say a word about it. But the worst part of it all was that they were trying way too hard to keep calm, almost as if they were attempting to protect Daichi from the truth. But it was unfair. Suga was  _ his  _ boyfriend, after all. Finally, near the end of practice, Daichi had enough.

“Will SOMEONE just tell me where he is?!” Daichi shouted at the top of his voice, making Asahi so scared that he fell right on his face. Nishinoya quickly helped him to his feet and glared at Daichi for a solid minute.

“Where  _ who  _ is? Sugawara-san?” This made Daichi flinch, but he nodded.

Tsukishima scoffed and gave Daichi a dirty look. “Tch. Why didn't you bother to ask three days ago?”

“Tsukki, don't..”

Daichi tensed up, clenching his fists and trying his hardest to stay patient with the group. “...Just tell me where-”

“-He’s in the hospital!!” Hinata blurted out, quickly covering his mouth afterwards. Kageyama smacked him and growled.

“Hinata, you dumbass!” He shouted. “Tanaka told you not to-” Daichi cut him off with a low growl, but he didn't say a word more.

He just ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I did far better on this chapter than my last. I'm getting super excited to write more of this story~!


	3. Soft and Sweet

Daichi had no idea where he was running to. He just wanted to get away from that entire scene.

His feet pounded on the pavement, and so did Tanaka’s, who could be heard shouting at him from where he was. Daichi took in short, panicked breaths, and eventually collapsed before he reached the side streets. He clenched his fists, digging his nails into the ground. Hot tears streamed down his face, but he still wore an angry expression. His friends didn't even say very much. Just that Suga was in the hospital. No one even bothered to tell him why because he was out the door three seconds later.

“What the hell, Daichi-san?!” Tanaka panted, catching up to Daichi. He put his hands on his knees, bent over and out of breath. “You..left, just like that..”

Daichi slowly stood to his feet. His legs shook and his nails dug into his palms as he tried to keep his cool. “Of course I left, you bumbling idiot,” Daichi muttered. “I asked you about him the day after he went missing, and you didn't say a thing.”

Tanaka narrowed his eyebrows. “Don't you think it was hard to keep that in?” Daichi growled when he heard this. Saying that just seemed so insensitive and cruel.

“That's exactly why you should've told me,” Daichi said, raising his voice a bit. “I deserve to know what happened to him.” Tanaka sighed and crossed his arms in response.

“We didn't want to cause trouble. But if you want to see him….” His voice trailed off, like he was trying to figure something out. “If you want to see him, we can go tonight.”

“You better not flake out on me..” Daichi growled, turning back in the direction of the school. “I have to see him.”

 

*********

It was 5pm when they exited the school building.

Asahi and Nishinoya had decided to tag along, but Tsukishima and Yamaguchi seemed uninterested. Hinata and Kageyama were busy getting their extra hour of practice, so they were out too. So the four of them went on their own to visit Suga. According to Nishinoya, him and Tanaka had already visited the boy just a day ago. They managed to sneak some food past the nurses for him, but Tanaka had eaten half of it before they reached his room. Tanaka denied having done this, however.

They walked through the doors of the hospital, and Tanaka went to talk to a nurse while the others waited for him. The lobby smelled of ammonia and hand sanitizer. Asahi found himself gagging because of how overwhelming it was, and Nishinoya had to do everything he could to keep him from throwing up. Only thirty seconds had past when Asahi made a dash for the bathroom.

By the time Tanaka returned, they were all ready to enter the room. ….Except for Daichi. He was shaking more than he ever had, even more than when he had collapsed earlier. Tanaka managed to slap him out of it, for the most part.

They walked down the hallway, Asahi groaning slightly and covering his mouth and nose. The smell got even more intense as they walked past the rooms. Daichi had to explain that it smelled like this because of the cleaning solution used, and not because the hospital was dirty. After stopping several times in fear of Asahi emptying his stomach right in front of them, they reached Suga’s room. Tanaka stepped in front of them and knocked on the door. Anxious shuffling of blankets and sheets could be heard from the other side.

“Sugawara-san!” Nishinoya called out. “We’re coming in, so you better not be naked in there!” The seemingly random statement made Daichi blush a little and smile. Just a little. Tanaka laughed, which echoed in the halls of the hospital. A small squeak came from the room, and Asahi hastily opened the door.

Suga sat on the edge of the hospital bed, huddled up in his blankets. His face was a bright shade of red and he was trying his best to cover every inch of his body. He seemed to be shivering, as well. “I wasn't naked, Nishinoya..” he muttered.

Nishinoya, in turn, smirked. Asahi scowled at him and lightly punched his arm, as a hint to stop before he said anything else.

Daichi stood frozen in the doorway, watching everything take place in front of him. Suga didn't even seem to notice him until he let out a small cough. When he did, though, his eyes lit up.

“Daichi!” He called out with a grin. “Why haven't you come to see me, you big idiot?” Soft, weak laughter escaped Daichi’s throat as he approached him.

“Oh, I dunno. These jerks didn't bother to say a word to me about you being here.” Tanaka scowled and looked like he wanted to shout something back in defense, but Nishinoya rested a hand on his shoulder before he could. Suga sighed and shook his head.

“Of course they didn't. Oh well, I'm sure you wouldn't want to hear about the accident anyway.” Daichi flinched. Accident? But Suga was walking home that night, not driving. Which meant that someone had to have hit him on his way home. Right after Daichi left.

Suga must have noticed something was wrong, because his calm look quickly dropped to a frown. “Daichi, it wasn't anyone's fault. There wasn't anything that could've been done,” he told him. “The car that hit me spun out of control. I should've been watching where I was going.” Daichi narrowed his eyebrows and kneeled down, getting closer to Suga’s face, which was now turning pale in fear of what Daichi would do.

“You can't be blaming yourself for this…” he said in a soft voice. “That’s just...stupid. I'm the one who let you walk by yourself.” For the fifth time that week, he found himself getting choked up. He forced that feeling back as best as he could, but a few tears came anyways. Suga’s face filled with hurt, and he gently moved his hand through Daichi’s hair, resting it on the back of his head. The nape of his neck started breaking out in a sweat as a reaction to his touch. His face also began to warm up, blood rushing to it.

Suga sighed, a smile forming on his face. “Fine. How about...we don't blame anyone. Then we’re even, right?” He moved the hand touching Daichi’s neck up to his cheek, and gently wiped a tear away with his thumb. Daichi was speechless, but he nodded anyway. Suga chuckled lightly, and brought Daichi’s face closer to his. “Good..” he practically whispered to him.

Daichi was about to pull away, but Suga’s grip held firm, and he pulled him even closer. Daichi’s lips seemed to tremble slightly, but he gave in, allowing Suga to place his lips on his. They were exactly how Daichi remembered them; soft and sweet. When he eventually  _ did  _ pull away, he looked calm and at peace. Daichi was still a red, bumbling mess.

“Daichi, I-” Suga was cut off by a sharp cough, and a nurse sprang up from outside the room where she was waiting. She looked very panicked, ready to dash into the room at any second. “No no, I’m fine,” Suga told her. “Just a little cough. I'm okay.” Daichi was confused. He thought Suga was going to be okay, that he'd be coming back soon. But why was the nurse so quick to help?

“Suga?” He said in a questioning voice. “Are...you sure you're going to be alright?” Suga sat with a blank expression for a few moments, but eventually began to speak again.

“I...don’t really know,” he mumbled. “I hope so. The doctor comes in quite a bit, and he says I'll be fine, but…I’m scared, Daichi.” Daichi felt his heart drop at those words.

“Suga…” He muttered, his voice trailing off.

“I’m…” Suga said, oddly calm. Or at least he seemed to be. “I'm too young to die here, right?” His voice broke at the last few words. And Daichi couldn't seem to find the right ones to say in this situation. What do you even say to that?

Suga let out another sigh. “That was stupid to ask, I'm sorry. I've probably already put a lot of pressure on you.” He looked around at everyone, who were still in the room, watching. “It's...getting late. You can go home if you want.” He flashed them an obviously forced smile. “Come to visit me tomorrow, yeah?”

“If we can drag him out long enough,” Tanaka said with a smirk, giving Nishinoya a high five. Daichi stood to his feet and rustled Suga’s hair.

“I’ll try to be here,” he told him. Suga nodded, and the four of them left his room. The nurse showed them out, and they all went their own ways. Except Daichi. He sat on the street corner and didn't move. He only stared at the cars that passed.

Their headlights were blurred by the tears in his eyes.


	4. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very quick filler chapter.  
> I apologize.  
> Next chapter will be out very soon.

Everything was piling on top of Daichi with no signs of stopping.

He didn't really speak much anymore, except for when he had to help out during practice. Aside from that, he was becoming isolated to the point of absolutely everyone being worried for him. Even Tsukishima was concerned. Tanaka had repeatedly tried to get him to talk, to have some hope for Suga’s sake, but Daichi wasn't very far from giving up completely.

Suga had apparently asked for him multiple times during the others’ visits. The only thing he could really manage now was a weak “Where’s Daichi?”. But even Suga was beginning to lose hope, not only for himself, but for Daichi as well. Daichi was coming off as being cold, not caring about Suga anymore. But really, he couldn't bare to see Suga in such a fragile state. He had become extremely weak and frail, and was getting worse every single day.

Tanaka just wasn't tolerating Daichi’s absence.

Every day, he would arrive at his house and refuse to leave until it got dark. Sometimes, he would stay after that, too. But Daichi kept himself locked up.

That weekend, Daichi didn't sleep. At all. His deep thoughts consumed him in every way possible, and the guilt of not visiting Suga weighed down on him with every passing hour. But seeing his boyfriend like that scared him. So he tried to convince himself that once he was better, once he had recovered, he would be able to see him again and everything would be fine. But his true feelings stuck out like a sore thumb.

He didn't want to see Suga in pain.

He didn't want to see him hurt.

He didn't want him to leave forever.

That very thought was what angered Daichi. Suga leaving forever. He told himself that if he left him, he would never forgive him. He did make a promise, after all.

However...no one keeps a promise, do they?


	5. Photograph

The news hit Daichi like a bag of bricks.

 

*********

It was now a whole week since the accident. Daichi was slowly beginning to become his usual self again; talkative, assertive, and genuine. His smile slowly returned, although not fully. There were still hints of forcefulness to it. However, the thought of seeing Suga at the end of the day was enough for him.

He had come prepared, too. Daichi bought flowers and kept them in a large water glass during practice to keep them safe. Some of the volleyballs came flying dangerously close to them, but not close enough to knock them over. Daichi was grateful that Hinata and Kageyama were considerate enough to practice on the other side of the gym. And they also seemed happy to see their captain being happy again.

Practice wrapped up at the usual time, and Daichi grabbed his bag and the flowers, trying to prepare himself for what was to come. “Daichi-san, why don't I tag along?” Tanaka asked with his typical grin. “Make things easier for ya.”

Daichi nodded, flashing him a smile. “Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm honestly kinda afraid of getting a scolding from him,” he said. “Hopefully, that's all he plans on doing to me.”

Tanaka looked down and sighed. “I dunno, man...Suga’s been acting real depressed lately. He misses you.” Daichi nodded solemnly and didn't say another word.

When they arrived at the hospital, they sped down the halls without speaking to the nurse that time. Daichi struggled between moving quickly and keeping the flowers intact, but he managed. Beads of sweat were dripping down his face and neck by the time they reached Suga’s room.

Tanaka peeked inside the little window on the door, then looked back at Daichi. “The light's off. Maybe he's sleeping?”

“So we wake him up.” Daichi rested his hand on the doorknob and slowly opened the door. The creaky sound it made echoed, oddly loud and eerie. “Suga?” Daichi called out in a cheerful tone. “I'm heeere, come out, will ya?” No reply came from anywhere in the room, and Suga wasn't even in his bed.

“Sugawara-san? Are you here?” Tanaka asked in a tone just a bit louder than Daichi’s. But still, no answer came. Daichi opened the bathroom door to see a nurse cleaning the walls.

“Oh, hello Miss,” Daichi said. “Has Suga been moved to a different room?”

The nurse looked up with a sad and sympathetic look on her face. “Oh, you poor dears…” she muttered. “Have they not alerted you? I asked them to just last night.”

“Alert us?” Tanaka asked, narrowing his eyes. “About what, exactly?”

“That poor, poor Sugawara…” she said, holding her hands to her heart. Daichi’s eyes widened at her words. “He was such a sweet boy, full of hope and love.”

“The hell are you talking about?! Where is he?!” Tanaka shouted.

“I'm afraid…...Sugawara is no longer with us, boys. I'm very sorry-” The flowers in Daichi’s hand dropped to the floor, the glass from the vase shattering and getting everywhere. It took him a few seconds to register what the nurse had said.

Suga...his boyfriend and best friend for years….was  **_dead_ ** .

His weight seemed to crumble under him as he collapsed to his knees, and he broke down into a loud and messy sob. “Why…” he cried out, his voice breaking. “Why?! He promised he'd never leave me! I made him promise that…….” His voice refused to escape his throat as more sobs kept coming. “He lied to me….he lied….he lied….”

Tanka attempted to touch his shoulder, but Daichi shot up to his feet and sprinted right out of the hospital. He didn't look back once.

“Daichi-san, wait!” Tanaka called from behind him. Daichi heaved and panted, still sobbing, but he didn't dare stop running.

“Daichi-san!”

 

*********

The tears kept coming.

His shaky sobs bounced off of the walls and sounded throughout his entire home. Daichi had been sitting in the same spot in his room for hours, not moving. The room was dark, making everything cave in on Daichi even more.

He was gone.

Suga was dead.

He had left Daichi behind, just as he promised not to. Daichi couldn't decide what he should be feeling, so he felt both raw anger and a sickening depression. He had refused to see Suga before he died. He was stubborn and scared, like a complete idiot. He  _ hated  _ himself.

Suga wasn't here to scold him or to cradle him in his arms. He wasn't here anymore to tell him to have hope. And his final words were a cry out for Daichi, wondering where he was, and why he had given up on him in his time of need.

Daichi vigorously rubbed his eyes and turned towards his dresser, where a picture of Suga lay.

He had taken that photograph just a week ago, but it felt like forever. Daichi stood up, slowly, and grabbed the photo. One single tear fell onto it.

But then Daichi began to tear it apart.

He dug his nails into it, ripping it to beyond repair. Suga’s face could barely be made out now, with desperate clawing marks in its place. Daichi felt his heart sink and he dropped the photo to the ground, along with his entire body weight. The room began to darken even further all around him.

And then...Daichi lost all consciousness.


	6. Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for not updating in a while. I was busy all weekend, but two more chapters will be out later.

The noise of Daichi’s heartbeat was the only thing he could hear as he slid his hand down the cold blade.

The metal knife almost felt icy when he touched it, sending chills down his spine. Daichi's tears still clogged his vision, making everything blurry for him. His head throbbed in pain from hearing his own sobs for the past week. He hadn't left his house since Suga died, and he was still conflicted on who to blame. He decided that he, himself, had been the main reason for the boy's death.

So he was punishing himself.

With a shaky hand, he brought the knife down to his arm and pressed it into his flesh. He began to sob and scream just from the pain alone, but he dug the knife further into his arm anyway. Blood oozed down it and onto the floor. The gash left by the knife was gushing out blood by now, but Daichi was only half done. He grunted and groaned in pain, lifting the knife higher up and piercing it into his shoulder. Daichi was now unable to tell what volume his voice was at.

He ripped the knife back out and dropped it onto the floor, right where he soon collapsed. The blood from his arm and shoulder trickled onto the floor, and his vision faded completely, leaving the room in endless dark.

 

*********

When Daichi awoke, his headache had worsened and the pain from his wounds still lingered. He attempted to move his arm, but the pain was too unbearable and he was stuck lying on the ground. He looked around at a pool of blood, so much that it sickened him. In fact, there was so much blood that Daichi was amazed at how he was still alive.

He hated that he was still alive. He hated it so much.

About ten minutes later, he managed to stand up and stumble over to the mirror. When he looked back at himself, he saw that blood was still dripping down his arm. A few tears fell down his cheeks and he forced a smile.

He deserved all of this pain. He made Suga suffer and die. So now he wanted to make himself do the same.

He loved Suga with everything that he was. And now, because of him, he was gone.

Horrible thoughts filled Daichi's mind as the tears kept coming. His whole body ached and trembled. Feelings of guilt and sickness filled him even more, making him want to throw up right there. But because of one thing, he couldn't do that.

Daichi dug through his drawers and pulled out a pill bottle, filled up halfway. He hesitantly opened it up and closed his eyes, dumping the entire thing into his mouth. He grabbed a water bottle next to his bed and chugged it down, slowly swallowing each one of the pills. Daichi began to cry again. “It's fine…” he muttered. “Suga, I'm coming. I'll come see you again.

 

*********

But the drugs didn't work.


	7. Isolation

Cold. He felt cold.

Daichi's whole body shook as he lied on the ground, the effects of all those pills still in his system. He felt like he was freezing to death as a cold numbness surrounded him. He was so confused. Why wasn't he dead? He had lost so much blood, and the drugs should've killed him by now. He just wanted to die and see Suga again.

Suga.

His name made Daichi's face contort in pain even further. He stood up shakily, his knees making loud cracking sounds. He rested his palms on his dresser and stared into the mirror once more.

How disgusting.

He hadn't looked this pale in his life. His lips were chapped and bruised, his lower one bleeding considerably. Daichi left his room and stumbled into the bathroom, where he washed his face and soon after, emptied his stomach of the medicine he had swallowed. Daichi hadn't eaten in five days, so his throat ended up being coated and burned by stomach acid.

He was about to change his clothes when he heard the front door being knocked down.

“Daichi-san! Come out!” Tanaka screamed from the living room. “I know you're in here!” Daichi panicked, throwing on some dirty clothes from the floor in a daze. His lips and face still had some dried blood on them. Tanaka bursted through the bathroom door and scanned Daichi up and down with his eyes. He moved slowly towards him, looking him right in the eyes as he smacked him across the face.

“Where the hell were you?!” Tanaka shouted. Daichi stumbled backwards, but caught himself before he fell.

“At home,” Daichi replied with little emotion in his voice.

“Everyone's been worried sick about you, dumbass!” Tanaka shook his head and scowled at him.

“But...Suga…” Daichi murmured. A look of confusion spread across Tanaka's face.

“Is something wrong with you? Sugawara-san was the most worried out of all of us. He came over here and knocked on the door five ti-”

“Excuse me?!” Daichi cut him off. “How could you say that after what we heard at the hospital?!”

“Hospital? Seriously Daichi, did all that isolation mess with your head?” Daichi was so confused. Tanaka was with him the day of Suga's death. What was he talking about? Tanaka patted him on the back and sighed. “Come on, you're staying at my place tonight. Then you're going to take whatever punishment Suga has for you like a man.” Daichi didn't say anything. He just followed Tanaka out the door and to his house.

Was he going crazy?


	8. Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> having to write short chapters because im busy like hnnnnnnnng

Tanaka had made many attempts to communicate with Daichi that night, but each ended with Daichi ignoring him or only speaking a few words in reply. By the end of the night, he gave up. Daichi just wasn't having it.

But he had his own reasons. The utter confusion he was feeling was way too much for him. Daichi still couldn't tell if Tanaka was serious about Suga being alive. Either the nurse lied to them, Tanaka lied to him, or he was losing his mind. Daichi guessed that the third option was correct and just tried to sleep. That, however, inevitability ended in failure.

But tossing in turning wasn't something new to him.

 

*********

Daichi followed Tanaka into the school building the next morning. It seemed like forever since he'd been there, and he was just glad to be somewhere other than his dark room. He entered the bathroom before going to class, just to make sure he was presentable.

How strange. The cuts and bruises on his face had disappeared.

Daichi thought nothing of it. Strange things happening seemed to be a common occurrence in his life now. Stepping out of the bathroom, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

Then he took a blow right to the face and fell backwards onto the floor. Someone had punched him. “Tanaka, what the hell?!” He screamed out, looking up. But it wasn't Tanaka.

Suga was staring down at him with the angriest face he had ever seen. Daichi sat there in shock, staring into Suga's eyes. Tanaka was telling the truth. He was here. He was alive.

Daichi sprang up to his feet and gripped Suga in his arms. Suga blinked, confused and still riled up. “Where have you been?!” He shouted in a warning tone. But Daichi didn't respond, and just buried his face in Suga's shoulder. “Daichi…?” Suga whispered, his tone now more concerned. “What's gotten into you? Are you okay?” Daichi could only mutter a soft “I don't know”.

Because he really didn't know if he was okay or not. Nothing made any sense anymore, and he just felt like he kept falling deeper into insanity. But now Suga was with him again, and he didn't care about it making sense.

He just wanted to hold him forever.


	9. Repeating

It took two whole weeks, but Suga eventually forgave Daichi.

The questions about why he left never really disappeared, but there was no longer a grudge between them. Daichi even began to come to practice again. However, due to missing it for so long, he was very out of shape. The others had to help him more than he was for them.

Before he knew it, Daichi realized how fast time was seeming to go by. Months passed, with him and Suga getting closer and closer. They were just as inseparable as they were before the big mess happened. And Daichi was so happy.

But more odd things kept happening.

Daichi had checked his calendars after Suga came back, and they all had gone back to February of that year. Almost as if time was beginning to repeat. However, Daichi kept brushing off all the weird things he saw, like the photo he had destroyed repairing itself or his body not containing a single self-harm scar. He was in his own little world with Suga, just carefree and cheerful.

When mid June rolled around again, Daichi took Suga back to the park and took a picture of Suga next to the fountain. "You look perfect," Daichi told him. "Absolutely stunning."

Suga sighed when Daichi stuck the photograph in his pocket. "You know I don't like having my picture taken, Daichi..."

"Yeah yeah. But I just can't resist sometimes," Daichi laughed, holding Suga's hand. It was getting late, and he was beginning to remember what happened last time. "Mind if I walk you home?"

"I'd love that, actually." Suga grinned and squeezed Daichi's hand tightly, leading him in the direction of his home. As night fell, it began to get harder for them to see. Daichi tried to use the flashlight on his cell phone but it died soon after he turned it on.

"Ah, dammit," he whispered. "It's so dark out."

"I know. But at least we're not-" Suga suddenly stopped, his eyes widening with fear. Bright headlights shined in their eyes and they heard loud screeching noises as a car neared closer to them.

"Suga!" Daichi screamed, completely on edge. "Move!" But he felt a harsh push to his back and he fell forwards, landing at the side of the road. His vision was now blurry, and he looked up, Suga now no longer in sight. All he could make out was the highly-damaged car in front of him.

"Suga!" He shouted again, trying to crawl towards the crash site. But no reply came. "Answer me!!" Daichi was now in tears. No. Not again. This couldn't be happening again.

But it was. And him being there didn't stop it at all.

 

*********

"Suga! Please! Wake up!"

"Stop leaving me all alone!"

"Say something! Anything!"

"No..."

 

"Don't leave me alone again....."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uggghh I promise I'll write some longer chapters soon  
> I'm just so tired;;;; ugh dammit school, giving me panic attacks


	10. Sakura Petals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo, chapter 10! And we're finally in the present day! (I'm really sorry for that super long prologue...)

And as such, the cycle began.

It was a never-ending time loop, beginning on February 6th and ending on July 5th. That was something that Daichi began to pick up on, and he started to mark his calendar at around the 7th loop. It was something to help him keep track of how much time he had to plan and strategize.

Every time the loop began again, Daichi started to plan a new way to prevent Suga's death. He'd tried everything from avoiding the typical way to Suga's house to waiting another hour before taking him home, and a bunch of combinations in between. However, the universe seemed to be one step ahead of him each time. All seventeen, to be exact.

Seventeen was the number of times Daichi had seen Suga die. He was able to track this number with his polaroids. The polaroids Daichi took each night of the accident. He kept them in a leather photo album with ‘Suga’ carved into the front of it. The photos were labeled with the exact loop number it took place in, and they all went in order. The album was kept in a box under Daichi's bed.

Now, the eighteenth loop was approaching, with only two days before it would begin. The absolute worst part of waiting for time to reset itself was the realization that he had to not only pretend to be perfectly fine again, but wait months and months only for Suga to die. And all of that was taking a huge toll on Daichi's mental state.

As he slowly sat up, he reached under his bed and took out the photo album. He had forgotten to put the seventeenth one away. It was a lovely picture of Suga, holding a kitten they had found in the park and standing by the Sakura trees.

 

*********

“Daichi, look at how cute he is!” Suga exclaimed, holding up the kitten for Daichi to see. He had a giant smile on his face, and Daichi couldn't help but to smile, too.

“Hang on, let me get my camera,” said Daichi as he took it out. “One, two…”

**Click!**

The picture was beautiful. The sunlight seemed to dance around Suga, who held up the kitten in his arms. A small Sakura petal fell on his nose right before the camera snapped the photo. Suga sneezed, making it flutter away. Daichi chuckled in response.

“Ah, you're so cute when you sneeze,” Daichi told him, patting Suga on the head. Suga blushed and crossed his arms.

“It’s just allergies…” he mumbled. Daichi laughed and pulled Suga toward him, setting down his camera nearby.

“Well, thank goodness for those, hm?” Daichi said in a soft voice. Suga blinked, his face growing a darker shade of red. Daichi lightly pecked Suga on the lips, which were still just as sweet as he was. Their kiss deepened as more flower petals fell all around them.

 

*********

Daichi narrowed his eyes as he recalled the painful memory. He hastily put the photograph where it belonged to avoid crying, something he now hated. He had done it so much that it just seemed like a waste of energy now.

His clock ticked, reading 6am. He had an hour to get ready and go to school. Two days after that, the loop would start over and he would see Suga once more. However, Daichi had a plan for this loop. A plan that, hopefully, would put a stop to the loops altogether.

He just needed everything to go exactly as planned.

Daichi quickly brushed his hair and got dressed, almost ready to face the day. He glanced in the mirror, nodded, grabbed his bag, and headed out the door.

 

*********

Daichi approached a waving Tanaka and smiled tiredly when he saw him. “Morning, Daichi-san.”

“Ah, morning,” Daichi yawned. Tanaka could tell that he had very little sleep, but decided not to mention it. Angering the captain this early in the morning wasn't a smart move.

“So...are you okay, Daichi-san?” Tanaka asked in a concerned tone. “I know we were all good friends with Suga, but you were the closest to him.” Ah. Daichi had been through this conversation before. He knew exactly how to answer it now. Daichi forced a really sad expression and sighed.

“I know…” he muttered. “I wish I could've done something. Its all my fault.” This wasn't something Daichi felt like he was lying about. It was how he really felt, after all.

Tanaka shook his head, but didn't say another word. The two of them just headed up to class, and Daichi sat through the whole school day in anticipation.


	11. Shift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very very short explanation chapter to make way for the long one I'm working on  
> Hahahahahahaha someone stop me

By the 5th of July, at midnight exactly, time had reset itself. Daichi always woke up like nothing had happened, calendar all the way back in February and, for some reason, the photo album still under his bed. That morning, he did his usual routine which also included marking that day as “Day One”.

When he got to school, he saw Suga and Tanaka sitting together, waving at him from across the room. Daichi walked over to them and greeted Suga with a kiss on his forehead. “Morning,” he said.

“Good morning, Daichi!” Suga replied in his usual, cheery tone. Daichi halfway buried his face in Suga's shoulder.

“Subtle, are we?” Tanaka snickered. Suga scowled at him and smacked him upside the head, then got a smile of approval from Daichi.

The rest of the day consisted of banter about the cold weather, along with talk about practice. Daichi may have been extremely hurt inside, but he had to make an effort to make it seem like he was his normal self. Being around Suga definitely helped to make him genuinely happier. Tanaka also got a few chuckles out of him.

Aside from that, Daichi began to notice changes.

The key events that would happen in each loop weren't happening. Everything seemed slightly different. But, as always, Daichi only brushed it off as being chaos theory or something related to that. These weird time-related problems were very common now. It was just something he had to deal with.

A week went by.

Then another.

And another.

Each one was very different from the usual ones from the previous loops. People began to say and do different things.

Time was beginning to have a shift.


	12. The Stars

It was five weeks later when the first big key change happened.

It was now early March, and Spring was drawing near. The Sakura trees were just starting to blossom, and this would normally be the time when Daichi and Suga have Spring Break. So that's exactly what happened.

The others had their own plans, except Tanaka, who seemed to never really _make_ plans to begin with. However, Spring Break was a special time for Daichi. It allowed him to connect with Suga and learn so much more about him than he ever had. Suga opened up to him about something new each time the loop restarted.

“A while after we first met,” he said one year. “I thought you were the most boring man alive. I really couldn't see any excitement in your eyes.” When Suga said this to him, he got upset at first. But now all he could do was laugh at the statement, because nothing could be further from the truth at this point.

Daichi grabbed his bag with his camera inside and headed out to pick up Suga. They talked just the night before about going to the park, and it was still a little cold out so there wouldn't be many people. Just how Suga wanted it. He was wearing his usual shirt and jeans when Daichi picked him up, topped with a warm jacket which sleeves went past his fingertips.

“Ready to go?” He asked with a smile.

Daichi slid his fingers under Suga's sleeve and gently grabbed his hand. “After you,” he told him, using his other hand to hold the door open.

 

*********

The cool breeze tickled Suga's skin, sending chills down his spine and making him shiver. Daichi held him close with an arm around him as they sat under a Sakura tree. It was cold before, but their shared body heat slowly began to warm them back up again. Daichi looked down at Suga, who's eyes were half open. He was about to fall asleep. Some of his hair occasionally blew in his face, covering up his birthmark and half of his left eye.

Daichi couldn't help himself, as the whole scene was too adorable to pass up, so he took out his camera and held it in front of them, snapping a picture. Suga blinked, then looked up at Daichi, who was now nuzzling the boy’s shoulder with his forehead.

“Daichi, I'm not a pillow…” He said, a bit of blush coming across his cheeks.

“Yes you are.” Daichi's voice was muffled by Suga's jacket. He didn't lift his head up, even when Suga told him too. But that was because he was fully aware that Suga actually enjoyed his disobedience.

“Mm...fine...” Suga yawned, resting his head on Daichi's in response. His eyes closed, and he slowly drifted to sleep with a sweet smile on his face.

A few moments later, Daichi shook him awake. “It's getting late,” he whispered. “Can we go home now?” Suga yawned again and ruffled Daichi's hair.

“Wait,” he said calmly. “Just wait.” Suga took Daichi's hand and stared into the newly-darkened sky. Daichi looked in that direction as well, wondering why he was supposed to wait. But his question was soon answered.

“I want…” Suga started in a soft voice. “...to see the stars with you tonight.” Daichi felt like he wanted to say something, but he stopped himself so he could take everything in. He was trying so hard not to let the fact that something so strange--and different from the other loops, at that--was happening control him. He didn't want it to consume him. Eventually, that thought process faded from his mind and he just sighed in pure bliss. The whole scene in front of him was making him genuinely happy. The pitch black sky contrasting with the bright stars, the sweet smell of Sakura blossoms, but mostly the fact that Suga was with him. His presence alone always was able to calm Daichi.

“Wow…” he muttered. “Beautiful.”

“Isn't it?” Suga replied happily. He was focusing his gaze on the view in front of them. That, however, was not what Daichi was talking about.

 _His_ gaze was focused solely on Suga and Suga alone. That, not the view, was what was beautiful to him. Or who, technically. Suga looked up at Daichi, expecting him to be admiring the same thing he was.

“Uh...Daichi…” Suga mumbled. “The view is that way.”

“Nah,” Daichi replied with a smile. “It’s right here.”

At that moment, Daichi gently moved his hand through Suga's hair, meeting the nape of his neck with his fingers. Suga, being sensitive, let out a tiny gasp. A bright red color flushed on his face. The feel of Daichi's rough hands on his soft skin was very seductive.

Daichi smiled at Suga's reaction, and slowly leaned in, his own lips meeting Suga's. The other boy’s eyes were wide at first, but they soon closed, his eyelashes fluttering when they did so.

Daichi's mind filled to the brim with pure enjoyment and happiness. He shouldn't have felt this, he told himself. It was wrong. Something was wrong with time itself. But Daichi gave up, and let his desire take over him.

He was actually feeling again. His heart was beating pure and strong.

He loved Suga.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhhhh I finally got this out  
> I'm sorry for the delay, but I needed time to think and get myself out of the corner I had accidentally written myself into.


	13. Album

Right after they kissed, Suga lied his head on Daichi's chest and went back to sleep.

A light snore came from his throat as he nuzzled his head against Daichi, who still had a sweet smile plastered on his face. Daichi carefully stood to his feet and carried Suga bridal style. He kept a gentle grip on him, as he was light and didn't require too much strength to lift. Daichi put his backpack on one shoulder and began to head home. It was late, and he didn't have a key to Suga's house. Suga may have had one, but he figured that it would be wrong to go through his bag.

As such, Daichi was taking Suga home with him.

His house wasn't too messy compared to some of his friends’. Daichi was generally an organized person, so he didn't mind having company over. Besides, it was just Suga. They were dating. It wasn't a big deal.

When Daichi arrived home, he lied Suga down on one side of the bed and covered him up with a blanket. Soon after, he climbed into bed next to him and held him close. Suga made a small noise and curled into a ball while he was in Daichi's arms. Daichi never noticed this before, but while they  _ were  _ the same age, Suga's overall build was much smaller than his. That thought gave him a feeling of near-satisfaction, a feeling like he was still needed somehow. Like he wasn't a total screw up.

That very feeling was something Daichi hadn't felt in a long time.

With that, and everything that had happened that night, came another feeling that was like a distant memory to him. A feeling that he wished he hadn't forgotten.

Happiness.

 

*********

Daichi woke up later than usual.

It was Saturday, but he still didn't usually sleep in. Hell, he wasn't used to getting more than four hours of sleep a night. He looked over at the clock, which read 11:30am. He had gotten a full thirteen hours of sleep.

That, at that point in time, was incredibly unnatural. But Daichi had no room to complain. He felt more energized than he had in a total of nine years.

Nine years. It sounded like so much more once Daichi actually thought about the number. If time had never reset, he would be twenty seven years old.

Daichi rose his head up and turned to his side. He expected to see Suga, but his boyfriend wasn't in the room. He figured that Suga had either gone home or was in his living room. Before he checked, Daichi went into the bathroom and freshened up.

Like no time had passed at all, his smile from last night was lingering. Daichi stared at himself for a moment.

Maybe things were finally looking up for him.

Maybe.

When he finished in the bathroom, he stepped out and walked into the living room. “Suga?” he called out. “Good morning!” Daichi spotted Suga sitting on his sofa. He was facing away from him, and appeared to be flipping through something.

“Oh, good morning,” Suga replied with little emotion in his voice.

“Is something wrong?” Daichi questioned. That tone was definitely something to worry about.

“Nothing at all,” said Suga. “You've got quite the portfolio here, Daichi. What was your inspiration?” Suga turned and held up the object he was looking through. Daichi’s eyes widened in horror when he saw his photo album in Suga's hand. Suga's eyes, in turn, narrowed, awaiting Daichi's response.

“I-I..uh...I…” he stuttered, at a loss for words.

“Where did you get all of these pictures of me?!” Suga said, raising his voice. “I don't even remember you taking them! Tell me what's going on!”

Daichi truly didn't know what to say. It wasn't as if he could tell Suga the truth. He'd think he was crazy. Or worse. A bunch of things ran through his mind at once, when Suga eventually stood up and clenched his fists.

“Where did you get them?!” He asked again, his voice becoming more stern. “Answer me!”

But no words came. And then Suga turned around, picked up his jacket, and ran right out the door. He didn't look back.

If he did, though, he would've seen Daichi's eyes well up with tears for the eighteenth time in a row.


	14. For Him

Daichi followed Suga out the door and onto the street.

The ground seemed to rush under his feet, and his heart felt like it was pounding out of his chest. Rain poured down from the early-afternoon sky. Grey clouds hung over Daichi as he ran, Suga only a few feet away. He reached his hand out and grabbed onto the back of Suga's jacket.

Suga fell backwards into Daichi's arms, startled from the sudden contact. A look of confusion and anger overtook him. “Where…” he started, weakly. “Why…”

“Just breathe. Your heart is beating way too fast,” Daichi said, the words falling out of his mouth like they meant nothing. “I don't want you to faint.”

Suga scowled at him, but slowly let Daichi pick him up, who sighed when he saw the conflicting look on his boyfriend’s face. “How did you even take those without me remembering…” Suga muttered. “Can't you just tell me?”

“Unfortunately, no, I can't,” Daichi replied.

“But  _ why _ ?” Suga pressured further. “I don't understand!” His voice became more and more depressing as he spoke. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes. It pained Daichi to see him in a state like that. The feeling he had about it reminded him of his hesitance for seeing him in the hospital, right before the time loops had begun. That correlation made his heart sink even further down.

“Maybe when I can let go of my own ego,” Daichi replied, sadness filling his words. “When my own selfish pride…my own guilt finally leaves me…”

“Daichi.” Suga's voice was firm, but caring. He placed one hand on Daichi's cheek and wiped his tears away with his thumb. “You can tell me anything. We've been through enough together for that, right?”

Those words were what finally broke him.

Loud sobs that reeked of pleas and remorse rang out. They came right out of Daichi's throat, making it burn and ache. His head moved back, and he faced the dark and cloudy sky. Rain pounded onto his face.

“I'm so sorry…” Daichi cried out. “I'm sorry!” He was screaming now, the horrible sobbing still continuing. “I tried to save you so many times…I’ve wanted to die for so long and I…”

Suga's own eyes were filled with tears as well. Just as it hurt Daichi to see Suga hurt, it was mutual on Suga's behalf. He held his hands to his heart and spoke very softly. “Daichi…what are you talking about? Why would you wish that on yourself?” He took Daichi's hand, his own trembling in fear. “What do you mean…save me?”

Daichi just couldn't delay it anymore. He had to tell him the long, hard, and painful truth. He didn't care if Suga thought he was crazy. He needed to get it off of his chest.

“It's going to hurt so much. To tell you, I mean,” Daichi said, sniffling.

“I know,” Suga said, still hurt. “I know it will. But I need to know why you're acting like this.”

So Daichi told him everything.

 

*********

He didn’t know where to start at first, but the story seemed to tell itself. Daichi told Suga absolutely everything that came to mind. The time loops, the photos, his immortality. But mostly, he focused on talking about Suga's deaths.

Suga listened throughout the entire story. His face showed nothing but pure concern and understanding, even though he had every right to not believe it. Daichi was confused as of why he did, though. Why was he so caring? Why wasn't he shouting at him? He expected a “Is something wrong with you?!” or a “You're crazy!”. But Suga didn't speak at all until Daichi finished.

“So you've been trying to play God…” Suga mumbled. “You're trying so hard to be a hero. Find a way to stop the inevitable.” Daichi nodded, though it hurt to do so. “I see,” Suga nodded as well, still not fully understanding everything.

“I tried to kill myself,” Daichi said, his words feeling numb. “I've been trying to for years. I thought that might be a way to make it end. But it-” He was cut off by something touching his lips. His eyes widened in surprise as Suga kissed him, softly and slowly. Suga squeezed Daichi's hand with one of his, using the other to gently caress his hair. Daichi's eyes slowly closed, allowing him to melt away in the kiss. As it did whenever they did this, his heart began to skip beats and flutter inside him.

Suga pulled away and smiled genuinely. “Daichi…” he spoke, his hand still moving through Daichi's hair. “Have you ever thought of just…ignoring the feeling that I'm just gonna die by the end of the loop? Have you ever just focused on being happy?” Daichi blinked. If he was honest, he was spending 90% of his time thinking of ways to stop the loops because he thought it was what he had to do. But happiness? It wasn't something he was normally concerned about.

“If my death is really inevitable here, and if nothing can be done to stop it…” Suga said. “Then I don't want to spend a single second of my final days in fear. Because I'm here. I'm happy when I'm with you. So please…just spend these last few moments I have here with me. Don't give up on me just because I'm bound to leave you.” He spoke with complete sincerity in his voice, love lacing every word he said. He really didn't care if his time was limited as long as he could spend it with Daichi.

“Be happy for me.” Suga ended with that, and began to cry again. Daichi squeezed Suga and held him in his arms, not wanting to ever let go. He'd never felt this much pain or relief in his life. He didn't want Suga to ever leave. But he knew that was impossible, so he promised himself to listen to Suga from there on. He just had to. For him.

For him.

“Daichi…” Suga said, speaking into Daichi's shoulder.

“Be happy, Daichi. Be happy.”

 

“Be happy.”


	15. Mr. Reliable

Daichi was so tired at that point that he just wanted to crawl back in bed.

He eventually let go of Suga, then flashed a small smile at him. Suga smiled back and kissed him softly on the cheek.

“How about we just take a break from all this drama?” he asked him.

“Ah..sure,” Daichi said with a nod. “What did you have in mind?”

Suga clinged to Daichi's arm. “I just want to rest,” he said. So Daichi walked him over to the couch, where Suga snuggled up next to him and nuzzled his head against his arm. Daichi looked down at Suga, and realized just how lucky he was.

Suga could've left him at any point, just told him that he didn't want to deal with him anymore and dump him. Leave him all alone. But he didn't, and never would because he loved him. Daichi knew that for a fact now. If Suga could handle his biggest secret, he most certainly did love him.

“Suga…” Daichi whispered, close to Suga's ear.

“Hm?”

“I…” he muttered, his voice becoming even quieter. “I love you.”

Suga stayed still for a few moments, and then smiled. He always looked so happy and carefree. Daichi found that to be very cute.

“I know you do, you big idiot,” Suga said with a laugh. “I love you, too.”

Daichi smiled and stared into Suga's eyes. “Yep,” he said. “I'm a big old idiot.”

 

*********

The next morning, Daichi threw out both of his calendars; his suicide calendar, and his time loop calendar.

The suicide calendar was what he used to count down days when he was planning a suicide attempt again. The time loop calendar...well, it speaks for itself. Daichi threw them away mostly on his own whim, but also because Suga wanted to get rid of anything that reminded Daichi of the loops. Except the photos, of course. Daichi would never let him throw those away.

However, things like the clothes Daichi wore before the loops began or an old scarf that Suga left behind--those were immediately disposed of. Suga figured out that Daichi was easily hurt just by having flashbacks and recalling bad memories, so this was the first step he took to stop it.

“Are you sure you're okay with throwing these things out?” Daichi asked hesitantly. He held up the scarf in front of Suga's face.

“Of course I am,” Suga said with confidence. “It was my idea after all. Besides, it'll help you, and that's what matters here.” Daichi smiled. Suga's caring nature had partially been what made him fall in love with the boy in the first place. That, however, was far from being the only reason.

“If you say so,” Daichi said. And with that, Suga grabbed the scarf and placed it into the garbage bag he was holding.

“Out of sight, out of mind.”

It took them a few hours to get rid of everything. Daichi's room looked very bare and empty afterwards. But he didn't really mind as long as Suga was fine with it. And their relationship tended to be very domestic, so he was used to things like that.

Daichi absolutely loved how domestic they were towards each other.

He had secretly dreamed about that. Being married, living together, having a family. The others liked to poke fun at them, saying they acted like husband and wife. But really, Daichi enjoyed it. A lot. Suga, however...was indifferent about it.

At least, Daichi thought so. Suga was difficult to read sometimes.

“Ah, perfect!” Suga exclaimed, rubbing his hands together, proud of his hard work. Daichi kissed him on the forehead in praise.

“You're great at this,” he said. “What would I do without you?”

“I have no idea!” said Suga, still grinning with pride. If only he could see his face. He was practically beaming. “Be a lazy slob, apparently.”

“Yeah, you're right,” Daichi said with a chuckle. And of course, Suga  _ was  _ right. Whenever he wasn't around Suga, he was very messy. Another effect of the time loops, he had guessed. But now that he was really seeing how bad he was, he hated that he let himself get that unorganized. He used to be so neat and clean, every inch of his home completely tidy. But now he needed Suga to give him these wake up calls.

Daichi found himself needing Suga more and more. He thought he could do all of this himself, shoulder every part of the blame, and take it upon himself only to fix the mess he made. But he wanted Suga to help him now. He wanted what they had before, always working together.

When they would work as a team.

Oh, how he wanted that back. He wanted it so badly.

It felt so good to have someone being there for him again.


	16. Still Alive

Months past, and Daichi was slowly forgetting to worry about the time loops, just how Suga wanted it to be.

His time was spent giving his boyfriend the attention he deserved. He saw Suga as being absolutely amazing for putting up with all he did. Daichi didn't think he deserved him, but he was grateful anyway.

It was now early May, and graduation was approaching fast. Suga had planned it out ahead of time so that the both of them would be going to the same college. “It'll give me an excuse to be with you,” he said.

“You need an excuse?” Daichi asked with a sarcastic grin on his face. In turn, he received a smack upside the head from Suga, followed by a small laugh and a kiss on the cheek.

“Hush, you. You know what I meant,” Suga said, chuckling. Daichi smiled and nodded, taking Suga's hand in his one last time before entering his classroom.

 

*********

“No…”

“I can't be left alone again…”

“Please don't leave me here alone…”

“S...Suga..!”

 

“Suga!”

 

Daichi shot out of bed late that night, his nightmare waking him. He whirled his head around frantically to see Suga still lying next to him. He was curled into a ball under the blankets, snoring like a baby lamb. Daichi let out a sigh of relief when he saw him, and lied back down, wrapping his arms around him.

“Mm..” Suga made a small sound in his sleep, curling up closer to Daichi and burying himself in his chest. Daichi smiled warily.

“Still alive,” he said, sighing. “Still alive.”

 

*********

Tanaka greeted the couple in the morning, right outside of the highschool. His big, toothy grin could be seen from miles away. “Morning, you two!” he called out with a wave. “Get enough sleep last night?”

Daichi groaned, the bags under his eyes lingering from waking up so early. “Oh ha, ha.”

Tanaka howled with laughter and slapped Daichi on the back. “Hey, why’s Sugawara-san look so exhausted? He usually sleeps longer than you.” Suga was leaning his head on Daichi's shoulder, his eyes half open and glazed over. Daichi woke him up much earlier than he was used to, and he hadn't fully “woken up” yet.

“I'm fine,” Suga yawned, waving his hand around in front of him. “Don't sorry about me, Tanaka.”

Tanaka nodded, leading the two into the school and right into their classroom.

Daichi tried to stay awake during that time.

But he just lied his head down on his desk and fell asleep, halfway relieved to get some extra sleep, and halfway dreading the inevitable nightmares that were sure to greet him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the short chapter...;;;  
> I promise I'll have another one out later today.


	17. The Right Thing

Daichi was woken up by a thud on his desk.

“Sawamura Daichi?” said his teacher, sounding slightly uneasy. Daichi looked up, and saw the teacher resting one hand on his desk and holding a letter in the other. He took the letter and brought it to his face, the words being a bit blurry due to him still being drowsy. “Apparently…there’s been a medical issue with a friend of yours, and the hospital requests that you are there right away.”

Daichi blinked very slowly as his eyes widened in horror. No, he thought. It’s too early. It couldn't have happened. Not yet. He wasn't ready for this. “Do…you know who the student is?” Daichi muttered.

“Sadly, no,” replied his teacher. “I think it would be better if you went now, so you can find out for yourself.” Daichi nodded and stood up, his body shaking and his eyes still wide. He slowly approached the exit to the classroom and walked right out of the school. When he left the school grounds, he started running.

Suga couldn't have already been in the accident. It was still only April. The accident always happened in June, every single time, on his birthday. It's never changed. But that wasn't why Daichi was scared. He was afraid because he just wasn't ready for Suga to leave him yet. He had told him so much, they'd gotten so close…only for it to be thrown away so fast?

No. It can't be.

_ Daichi wasn't ready for Suga to leave him. _

 

*********

Daichi rushed inside of the hospital and ran up to the front desk. He heaved and panted, out of breath. “Sawamura…Daichi…” he mumbled.

The nurse at the desk gave him a small, sympathetic smile. “Oh, are you here to see Sugawara-kun? He's down the hall and to the left.”

So it was true. Suga was in the accident.

Daichi nodded in thanks and ran to Suga's room. At least it was the same one as always. He knocked and said, “I'm coming in!” He opened the door slowly, his hands shaking even more than before.

“Daichi..?” he heard a soft voice call out to him. Suga was lying on the hospital bed with IV tubes all over and in his arms. He was covered with a thin white sheet, and just under that was his blue hospital gown. Suga gave Daichi a wary smile and beckoned him into the room. “Don't look so scared…I’m fine.”

Daichi rushed to his side and gently grabbed both of his hands. “Suga…” he said, sounding like he was going to cry. “What happened to you? Why do you look so hurt?”

“Surprisingly, it wasn't an accident this time.” Suga let out a pained laugh. “I fainted in class. Apparently, my blood sugar is lethally low. Can't imagine why.”

Daichi kneeled down and kissed Suga's hands, tears dripping down his cheeks. “I promise…” he started. “I'll do better next time. I'll tell you everything all over again. I can do better.”

Suga looked like he wanted to say something, but quickly shut his mouth and looked down at the ground. He looked very hesitant and almost uncomfortable.

“Suga? Is something wrong?” Daichi asked in attempts to be comforting. His voice wavered with concern.

“Why are you still doing this, Daichi?” Suga muttered. “You just keep getting hurt. Your emotions are fading more and more every day, and at this point, you're just delaying the inevitable.”

“W…What are you saying?”

“I'm saying,” Suga started, taking a deep breath. “That you have to stop. This can't keep happening.” The tears in Daichi's eyes became hot and kept pouring down his face. He didn't know what to say. Stop? After how far he had gotten? At least…how far he  _ thought  _ he had gotten.

“Suga, I can't stop...not now...not yet…” he told him. “I can't ever let go of you. I don't want to lose you.”

“Daichi.” Suga said, his tone serious, but still soft and caring. “I don't want to live knowing that it only hurts you. Please just let me go.” Suga's own eyes began to form tears. He looked completely and fully genuine. It was clear that he meant every word he spoke.

“But what will I do without you…?” Daichi cried to him. “I need you…”

Suga brushed a small tuft of hair out of Daichi's face and kissed him softly on the lips. “I know you can do it,” he said with confidence. “Be the strong person that I know you are. All of the others...they need you, Daichi.”

Daichi looked into his eyes, which had a look of pure understanding.

“And Daichi…” Suga said. “I love you so much. I always will. But because I love you, I need you to be-”

Daichi cut him off, holding Suga tightly in his arms and weeping into his shoulder. “I love you,” he sobbed. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Suga began to sob as well, the emotional scene finally getting to him. “I love you…” Daichi said again, this time in a whisper. “Please, never leave me…”

“I'll always watch over you,” Suga said, voice trembling. “I promise. I swear it.”

Daichi held him even closer to his chest, and he never wanted to let go. He wanted to hold Suga like this for the rest of his life, with no problems. No issues.

But he knew what the right thing to do was.

 

And as such…

 

  
  
The cycle ended.


	18. 18 Years Over

**_Seven months later._ **

 

The funeral for Suga was held two weeks after he died. Those who knew him from Karasuno all showed up, including the entire volleyball club. Daichi cried through the whole thing, as this was the first time he truly had to say goodbye.

Tanaka tried to be as comforting as he possibly could. Daichi knew he was trying and that he was upset too, so he didn't tell him off. Besides, it felt good to have someone being there for him. The others seemed very upset as well. Hinata, of course, was crying. Asahi and Tanaka did the same, with Nishinoya tearing up and having to comfort both of them. Tsukishima allowed Yamaguchi to lie on his shoulder for support, and even he looked upset. Kageyama focused on trying to calm Hinata down.

Halfway through the reception, Daichi kneeled next to Suga's body in the casket and gently rested his hand on his face. One of Daichi's tears fell onto Suga's eyelid, but Daichi didn't really notice.

“Goodbye…” Daichi whispered. “I love you. Goodbye.”

 

*********

It was now December, with Daichi's 20th birthday approaching and school just getting harder.

Daichi managed to move closer to the college he applied to, taking most of his things with him. He kept what Suga told him about letting go of things that gave him horrible memories, so a new place was a step in the right direction for him.

One thing that he definitely kept was the photo album. Well, the photos.

Daichi took the photos out of the album and put all of them on the wall, so he could see them every day. Whenever he saw Suga's face now, he didn't get unhappy. Not sad, not angry. He just smiled. Every day, Daichi would get out of bed and rub one of the photos with his forefinger. “Another day, Suga. Let's make it a good one,” he would say, a refreshing smile on his face. When he got home every night, Daichi would sit on his patio and stare at the stars. And he would just talk.

“I had a good day today!” or “How are things where you are?” would be usual things for him to start with. Could Suga hear him, Daichi thought? He decided that yes, he could. And that's what made him keep doing this every day.

“I miss you so much,” he said one day. “I really hope you can hear me. I feel a lot better thinking you can.”

No answer. But that was okay.

“I miss you, Suga.”

It’s okay.

“I love you.”

 

It's still okay.

 

*********

After 18 years of endless loops, everything continued as normal. Daichi was still a buff, responsible father figure for the rest of the boys. His old classmates were still a bunch of dorks, chasing their tails like lost puppies. Shimizu was still just as beautiful as ever, and Yachi was still an adorable smart tag along for her. Those things never changed. The one thing that did change, however, was Daichi's humanity.

He was no longer numb. He was no longer a stubborn idiot who rejected help.

He felt alive.

And while 18 years were over, he would never forget the number that ended to make that happen.

17 years over. And for the better.

 

Daichi was human again.

 

He accepted that Suga wouldn't come back a long time ago, he was doing well in college, and he was still playing volleyball. Because like Suga told him, he had to stay happy for his sake.

There wasn't anything else Daichi wanted to live for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally over!  
> This was both a pain and a joy to write, but I'm still proud of how this fic turned out in the end.  
> No, it wasn't a typical Daisuga fic, but that's just fine :)  
> But don't worry! I promise I'll write some fluff soon!  
> Just stay tuned ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Hoooooo boy, things are about to get real.  
> This is my first HQ fanfic, so critique is welcome. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story~


End file.
